Thankful

So, I wanted to write a new blog now that I'm feeling a little less emotional. Things are really going fine and I'm just counting each day that passes by as a blessing. It has also been great to see how well Caleb is taking this whole "bed rest" thing. He has been so understanding and will bring me toys to play with on the couch instead of whining that I can't crawl around on the floor and play like before. He says "Mommy, when Thane gets bigger and comes out you will be able to play on the floor again!" It's also slowed us down a little bit and given us more chances to talk. (Before I was determined to get out of the house once a day, which many times ended in frustration with him not moving fast enough or letting me get him ready.) Anyway, he's really been cracking me up lately and I wanted to share something he said yesterday. I took him to the potty when he woke up and this was the conversation that followed:

Caleb: "Mommy, look at my pee-pee. It is bright yellow"

Me: "Well, that means that you need to drink more"

Caleb: "Drink more pee-pee?"

haha. I love this kid! There is no one I would rather be stuck in the house with all day. :)

almost 30 weeks...

I've had many people over the last week say to me, "at least you have almost made it to 30 weeks", "that's great", "at least you know what to expect", and my favorite, "at least you don't have to be miserable walking around at 40 weeks". I don't take offense to these people, because obviously they have no idea what it means to have a premie, but to be honest, it kind of hurts. So I thought, well, why not put it out there what "knowing what to expect" entails.

- There is no bonding moment. Immediately after delivery the NICU staff takes the baby and does quick assessments. They hung Caleb over my face for one look and then they took him away. I didn't see him again until the next evening.
- It means looking at this poor little alienesque being in an incubator with wires and tubes everywhere and feeling like a complete failure. For the first week I cried everytime I saw him knowing that he should be warm and comfortable in my tummy still.
- Having a 30 weeker means walking out of the hospital empty. Empty abdomen- no feeling of life- and empty arms.
- Having a premie meant sitting next to the incubator those first weeks just watching the monitor, praying that his stats don't drop again because it is so scary when the nurse had to come over and rouse him.
-In the NICU you don't really have a baby. It felt like the nurse's baby that I was just visiting. You had to have permission and help to feed, bathe, or even hold the baby that you had created.

Obviously there is more, but these are the things that stick out in my mind. So why do I say all of this? Not for sympathy- that's not what I am looking for. People go through this every day- and if we were still in Papua New Guinea, I would have lost my child two weeks ago. I also don't feel sorry for what we went through, as God was there with us every single day! I just want people to realize how much all of this hurts to be facing the same situation again. I feel like a failure again and I don't need people telling me to look on the bright side when I KNOW that there is nothing bright about having a 30 weeker. Maybe instead people could have a little faith in me and for me, and help me look forward to 34. Maybe, by God's grace, I could even be miserable walking around at 40!

Home from the slammer

Well, what can I say. I'm just not good at this baby carrying business. My oven only stays cooking for around 29 weeks then it does an automatic shut off. Luckily we were able to reset everything but we just aren't sure how well my timer works. I guess we'll see....

I went into labor last Friday evening and finally went into the hospital at 3 a.m. They put me on magnesium to stop everything and gave me some steroid shots for the baby's lungs. Over the weekend, things calmed down and I got to come home on Tuesday. Poor Caleb was bounced around the whole time, but he seems to have survived in one piece.

One of the hardest things has been realizing that this is the last baby I will carry. We had decided from the get-go that if there were any problems that we would accept that this would be the last. It just doesn't seem fair to put these little lives in danger. God is teaching me though, just to be thankful for these little blessings I have and realize that He, in all of his wisdom, may have other plans for us or even future children through other means.

Thank you, everyone, for your prayers. It has meant alot to Ben and I.

27 weeks

Hey Everybody,

I thought I would just write a little update on the pregnancy and life here. So far I am feeling pretty good. I feel a little more healthy with this one than I did with Caleb (that is possibly due to all of the cake, ho-hos, etc. that I helped myself to during Caleb's pregnancy.) I have had some contractions, just like with Caleb...but am finding that lots of water and rest calm them down quickly. The doctor ran some tests to see if there was something that caused my preeclampsia with Caleb and I evidently tested positive for some sort of clotting disorder. ( I would tell more, but I don't really know any more.) So, anyway, he's having me take a baby asprin a day, so hopefully that will help keep this one in the cooker longer.

Caleb is doing great, and he is really excited about his brother. He talks about changing the poopy diapers, and how the baby will play trains with him. I know it will be quite an adjustment, but for the moment he is ready to be a big brother. We have joined a play group and Caleb is slowly getting used to being around other children. He is still scared of toddlers, but I see him being more and more assertive.

Ben has started his first real month of residency, OB. He really likes it and delivered his first baby on the first day. He also survived his first weekend of call. I'm really proud of him! Caleb has also adjusted his play signifying that he has noticed the change as well. He will say "Mommy, I have to go to the hospital because there is a sick lady and I need to help her feel better." He will then proceed to "drive off" on his little bike. He returns long enough to say he is home, and then goes through the whole process again. He does get so excited though when Ben walks in the door. He will yell, "Daddy!!! YAY!! Congratulations, daddy!" He sure does look up to him!

Overall we are doing really great. I love my boys and just feel so blessed!